I am at home on a sunny Sunday afternoon while Hal is at work. As I have talked about, I have learned how to manage my money better over the past several years, but that has resulted in me spending a lot of time at home rather than going out. It still seems rather boring most of the time, although I know that it is the best course of action for me top take until things are completely taken care of in terms of bills.
I cannot remember the times when friends have called and suggested getting together on a weekend to go out and have a good time and I have had to politely decline in order to save as much as I can. The number would be easier to remember if I had counted in the past because now I seldom get those calls anymore. They know that I will be politely declining the offers and staying home anyway. I cannot help but wonder if things with those friends will ever change as the result of my actions must have put a strain on things. I always explained to them about my situation and when they still called they were understanding, or at least they claimed to be.
Of course, this brings up the question as to whether or not those friends are worth the effort of reconnecting with once things are resolved here? I have to admit that a part of me says it is time to move on from them and acquire new friends that hopefully won't be as silently judgmental. Perhaps I am over-analyzing the situation, perhaps not. In a few months I can put the theory to the test and see what happens.
The main thing is that I learned how to survive without the constant circle of friends around. I have become much more self-reliant as a result, and there is certainly a part of me that cherishes the independence as well as a part of me that misses the interaction. I think that the biggest decision I made was the one to let them make up their own minds and to not be calling them simply because they were not calling me. This is that hard-to-define moment when the friendship itself is evaluated. It is a mark of the value I place upon those friendships that even makes me debate what to do. I realize that a friendship is a two-way relationship at heart, and if the connection has been severed at the other end, how much time and effort do I take in trying to restore it?