04 December 2015

Dreamer's World December 4 2015

The week is nearly over with! I am so ready to start the weekend here! I cannot wait until this afternoon when the workweek is over with. There are no plans, but there is no need for plans when the weekend arrives.
I am glad that this week has been both pleasant and productive at work. I remain ahead of things and that takes a lot of pressure off. With luck, I will avoid meetings today. So far, there is only the daily 30-minute meeting that I am on the hook for, and that should go quickly.
Another reason I feel so good is that I am about to make a big payment on one of the credit cards to get the balance down. I have been practicing fiscal discipline for some time now, and this is just another example of the benefits. I will not have to empty out my savings to make the big payment, in fact this will take less than 50% of savings. Still a large chunk, but worth it in the long run to eliminate debt. After this I will build up the savings again in order to do the same thing in a few months at the latest. It is an amazing feeling to be back in as much control as I am right now after years of staying one step ahead of the bill collectors. So long as I maintain my discipline I will get through this.
A big reason for my getting ahead right now is my refusal to go out and participate in the consumer orgy that happens at this time every year. I am happy and content with what I have and I have learned to control the urges to get something just because it is new. That has saved me immeasurable money through the last 10 years and I am not going to let my guard down now. I might treat myself to one thing for the holidays, but that is far from a done deal because I still feel the sting if debt far too much to want to tempt fate again.
Having said all that, I am still ready for the weekend. Staying at home and resting is something that I have come to expect due to years of self-imposed restriction. I have not suffered as a person due to this, so I no longer feel sadness about not going out. Now that the benefits of my plan are more clearly seen, I know that this was the right choice all along.
Of course, when one does go out, it is always important to know what types of friends one goes out with. Unfortunately many of the people we know are all about possessions and accumulation. For them, going out is just an opportunity to show off what they have and the latest things that they have bought. Of course they also want to try to impress by purchasing things when we are out together. This made me uncomfortable for several reasons. Obviously it became a sore point for me that they were always using things and I was not. Whether intentional or not, the arrogance that they projected became rather unbearable and that was a primary reason I stopped hanging out with them. I realized that even if they were on the same self-harming path I had already traveled that they would not listen to me or my advice. I don’t wish the same on them, but I realize that they will have to make their own mistakes if they fail to listen after my first and only attempt to advise them.
The key is that I am happy once again. I am back in control of my life for the first time in years. I am no longer in the position where the only thing I can do is to respond to things, I can now initiate them myself within reason. Elation is not quite the word that I am looking for, that is too extreme and conveys a sense that I lack any control over things now. Far from it, I am now more in control than I have been in over 10 years and I want to maintain that control.
In a far larger sense, my happiness is something like an old friend returning after years apart. It is comforting and somewhat unnerving at times as I settle back into what passes as a normal life. Anxiety that existed as I struggled to pay bills has been replaced to a much lesser degree by anxiety that this it too good to last and that something bad will happen to ruin everything. Believe it or not, I use this new anxiety as a motivation to keep pushing ahead. Defeating it gives me more purpose in life. I will thrive in spite of that feeling. I know that as time goes by that it will fade, but until that happens, it will serve to remind me of where I have been and where I am going.
Lunch was delicious. I remembered my promise to myself to use sea salt in place of table salt with my meal and it gave it a new flavor. I really enjoyed the change and it should be healthier for me in the long run. Just another case of making a decision and then having the discipline to follow through on it.

This evening will be taken as it happens. I will ask Hal if he wants to go anywhere and then deal with his answer. It is possible that he might want/need to do something. In that case, I will take him without any problem. I won’t make any suggestions because it won’t make a difference to me in the least whether or not we go out or stay at home.
The afternoon is slowly passing by here. Just a few more hours until I can sign out for the week. Let the weekend begin!

The evening was delightful but it is getting late and I will be going to bed soon. I hope that tomorrow will be a good day. I will decide in the morning what to do when I wake up in the morning. The Stooges are sleeping all around me right now, and Hal is already in bed. I think they all have the right idea.