The walls are going up again. I don't have any other way to explain what I am going through right now. The walls protected me through some really tough times. The walls kept people from getting too close. The walls kept me safe. I was taught since I was a child to keep the walls strong, and to only let people in who I cared about and who also cared about me.
Caring is a funny word. To care for someone, at least to me, is to be there for them and to stand with them when they need someone. It is impossible to care for someone for very long when that caring and that trust is not reciprocated. I am feeling right now that I have let my guard down, I have neglected my obligation to myself to keep the walls strong.
Right now I have Hal and the Stooges with me inside my fortress. They will remain inside with me due to love and caring but the outside world is really begging for me to strengthen the walls again to keep it out.
Try as I might, there are times when I cease to be a "people person" due to things that happen. My cool or even cold exterior reasserts itself and I can honestly ignore people without hesitation. I am having those feelings once again.
To most, this might give the impression that I am unhappy, but that isn't the case. The walls protect me when I feel vulnerable, after all that is what walls are for. I am as taught as a young child to be self-sufficient. Since I was an only child, this has proven to be good advice because I have never had the extended family to rely on. I never had anyone to bring inside my walls. This changed when I met Hal. He understands how I feel and he accepts it because I never try to place him outside the walls.
As I grow older, I have tried many times to lower the walls in order to be more, for lack of a better word, "normal". These attempts have never been successful except for Hal. I am tired of feeling exposed. I am tired of seeing people climb over the walls I failed to maintain in order to attempt to exploit myself or Hal. I am tired of monitoring the abandoned walls to protect myself and Hal.
Thus the walls are going back up. They are a part of who I am and those who dislike the walls obviously aren't the people I would ever allow to breach them.
I don't owe any explanations to anyone for my action. I won't discuss these things in an open forum because I don't think it is the right thing to do. Suffice it to say that I have spent an entire weekend trying to figure out what has been bothering me and I have found the cause.
The walls need repair. The walls need to be raised again. I need the safety that the walls provide me. I need the peace of mind that the walls provide me. I need the reassurance that the walls provide me.
The walls enable me to protect who I am. I am a good person, but far too often I am too trusting. It is something that defines me and not something that I am ashamed of. The walls allow me the breathing room to get on with my life and focus on what is important.
That is the reason Hal is inside the walls I have, although I never attempt to restrict him from his own life and involvements. So the walls are going up again. I don't know when, or if, they will come down again. I just know that I need the walls right now.